Thoughts are crashing

My mind is racing.

The memories of you keep pushing their way to the front of my mind.

I keep pushing back as I need to live, I need to function, but I am being pulled into reflection.

As always, the Universe brings into place situations which make you that much more alive.

I bumped into someone that I haven’t seen in a while. In almost 12 years to be exact.

We talked about life, where our journey’s path has taken us. Then he mentioned he opened a box recently and found a whole heap of photos of you. Of that time.

I don’t want to revisit it, yet my mind is telling me I have to.

I don’t want to hear how people said I loved you with a passion. That passion died with you and I have struggled to get it back, but think it is gone. It hurts too much to love that fiercely.

I tell myself to be grateful. I am a medically infertile woman. I have had 6 pregnancies. From 4 of those pregnancies came 5 wonderfully amazing children. I count my blessings.

I make happy little stories for your twin, in order to make this ok. I tell myself not to think ‘if only’. I keep it medical, logical because that is safe.

Maybe your life’s purpose was to bring your brother into this world. Maybe you job was done and then you had to leave.

And I get that because of your death others have been saved.

Your life, your death has brought so many many gifts.

But at the end of the day, the only gift from this I want and have ever wanted, is you.



  1. Mel said

    Wow. Amazing words and so heartfelt and touching. With my biggest huggle Mel xx

  2. Ro said

    (((hugs))) Nikki, I’ve often wondered ‘what if’ with Aspie teen’s twin, but you held that beautiful boy and lost him which is savagely hard to deal with xxxx

  3. Mistress B said

    Sometimes the good cannot cancel the bad. hugs

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