The dream is over

Two weeks ago, I was talking to the ex. I was trying to renegoiate.

When he first left, he made alot of promises. As time went on, he started to reneg on those promises. I wasn’t really surprised.

One thing I thought we were clear on and agreed on, is what is best for the children. Different children have different needs and respond differently to situations. We agreed that sameness and changes little by little was the key.

One of the things promised me is that he would find a way to stay where we were living.  I can not afford this place on my income. He promised me time and money to get to the place where I could afford here. Whatever it took.

I have spent the last 6 months financially worrying as the ex went out partying, travelling the country visiting friends and having a great single ol’ time. What he does with his life is his business, but knowing him the way I do, I would remind him to put money aside to provide for his family. He still has responsibilities. Each fortnight, the money was not there, late, always late. Promises to pay fees not met, so I would, meaning I am robbing Peter to pay Paul. I would not budget for something as he was going to ‘take care of it’ and then phone call after phone call where he just didn’t come through. Rather like when we were married really. I would then find the money, not wanting to disappoint the children. Picking up the pieces still.

I could see the writing on the wall. I have been sitting here waiting for the axe to fall. I know what is legally mine and it just isn’t enough.

Two weeks ago, I was reminding him of his promises, our dreams for the children. He replied “Nikki, the dream is over.”

I have raged these last two weeks, trying to find a way ahead without him, but there is none. I guess I have always known this.

I finally cornered him into answering me this morning. Since leaving me, he has got himself heavily in the financial crapolla. He will not meet the promises he made, promises he is not legally bound to keep.

Today, the realisation that we have to sell this place of paradise is here.

Another loss to add to the pile of losses that are occuring.

I am tired. Tired of being powerless, tired of picking up the pieces, tired of not getting what *I* want. I am tired of doing the right thing, of having to be strong. I am tired of sitting down with the children and explaining more change is ahead, when change is so difficult for them. The anxiety that follows and questions which I don’t have the answers for exhaust me. I just keep promising them, it will be ok, but I don’t even know if it is right to make such promises.

I called him back when I got home, after talking with my lawyer.

“You win. I am not going to fight anymore.”

And I won’t. Not him anyway. I am going to choose a new battle. A battle worth fighting.

I suggested to him that I am thinking of moving to a new city.

His response “But I don’t want to lose my kids!!”

But he has already lost two of them.

Mr Wise Old Soul who asks questions that need an understanding way beyond his years. Mr Bouncy, who never really connected with him anyway, and has asked me if he can look at someone else as his father.

The biggest losers from this of course is the children.

And I have told him, I will never forgive him for that. I have told him that once our divorce is through (in 11 months time) he will be dead to me. That in fact, he already is.

So now, I have decisions ahead of me, some already made in my head and unspoken, but I need to take control of something. He lost the right to rule over us when he left.

I know I can do this. I just don’t want to. But then it has never mattered what I want.

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7 Comments »

  1. Ro said

    Damn him.
    He’s destroyed his children’s lives and future but he suddenly worries about losing them?!
    (((hugs)))
    You WILL survive and you WILL make much better decisions and have greater success without a millstone around your neck.
    Your kids are wonderfully lucky to have you as their mother, xxxxxxxx.

  2. anonymum said

    Nikki, noone ever wins in these situations, and it’s very sad that the children are generally the biggest losers of all.
    What I find the hardest {and saddest} here is when reminded of dreams you both had for your children, his response was that the dreams are over.
    Does he not dream for his children anymore? Apparently not.
    How can a person do this? It eludes me. Seriously eludes me.
    Nothing anyone can say will make this easier, but I am reminded of something I have found to be so very, very true more times than I’ve had hot feeds.
    All things happen for a reason. If you are to lose your paradise, there is a purpose, regardless of how obscure that purpose may seem in the actual happening, and how painful it may be to actually do it.
    Sometimes we need to go backwards in order to go forwards.
    {{{hugs}}} for you and the kids honey..hang in there.
    As hard as it may be to believe right now, it will get better

  3. leechbabe said

    :: tears ::

    I’m so sad and angry for you. 😦

    Your home, your dream 😦

  4. river said

    This paragraph: I am tired. Tired of being powerless, tired of picking up the pieces…..doing the right thing…..being strong….

    I know exactly how that feels. Went through it with my first husband.
    Second husband also, we are now separated.

    I’ve had enough. From now on, it’s just me.

  5. Oh Nikki, I don’t know what to say.

    You are amazing and strong, just remember to look after YOU as well.

  6. Thank you ladies for your words.

    I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I am just hoping it isn’t a feckin’ big train !!!!

  7. Mistress B said

    It won’t be a train. hugs.

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