Four Days

My son

I often tell the story of how lucky we are, lucky we are that you and your brother made it. I tell of how another 5 to 10 minutes and you both would have been stillborn. How lucky we feel to have your brother here when he might not have had him at all. How lucky we were to have been given 11 days with you. People who understand the medical details marvel with us that we got to share that time with you.

I don’t often mention how I was in the hospital being monitored for 2 weeks before your birth. I don’t often tell of the plan to deliver me on 25th June. I don’t tell of how the scan and heart trace for the 25th was misread and misunderstood by people with not enough training. I don’t mention how the doctors cancelled the planned c~section and let me go for another 4 days. I don’t mention the following misread heart traces and scans that led to you being born barely alive.

I try not to think about the time the doctors admitted their mistake. I try to block out the moment the doctor opened the file and I saw all the circles where mistakes had been made. I try to forget the sadness when I remember how the doctor told me if they had delivered you today as planned, then you would be alive and well.

Four days.

Four days and you would still be here. Four days and you would not have had to suffer and slowly starve and die of asphyxiation.

Four days and I would not have had to make the hardest parenting decision I ever made. Even though it was mine to make and the right decision, it haunts me still.

Four freaking days.

Today I remember my parent’s wedding anniversary, I remember Tim Finn’s birthday, and I remember with clarity the moment I was told we would not be delivering you.

I so wish I could go back to that moment and fight for you, so you could be here today. But I can’t.

I can’t have you alive and well. You are but a memory that burns so brightly and today, painfully in my heart.

In closing, I love you so much and as much as my heart hurts, I would rather feel this pain I feel today than never to have known the beauty that is you.

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3 Comments »

  1. Ro said

    (((hugs))) xxx

  2. river said

    I know this is very hard for you, but I’m thinking also of the mistakes that were recognised, even though too late, and because of this many other babies may have been saved.

  3. Mistress B said

    hugs

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