Ying and Yang

I am not looking forward to and don’t like in my life right now:

Leaving Tir na NOg. The time is drawing closer and while I knew the moment Jock left, the children and I would have to as well, I wish it could be different. I haven’t won Lotto yet, and don’t think I will be either. This was my dream, and the dream is ending.

Studying. Whie I know I am capable of studying, it is one more pressure that I really do not want to add to my life. Yet I am the provider for our family now and we need a bigger income. In order to get a bigger income, I need to upgrade my skills.

Being a single parent. While Jock ended up being an awful emotionally neglectful and abusive husband, he was a fun parent. I liked being able to share with him the ‘cute’ goings on that the kids do that only a parent would get excited about.

I am looking forward to and like in my life right now:

Leaving Tir na NOg. I never got my vege garden as we could never contain the animals and they ate everything we planted.  Managing this place solo, even with the children’s help has been tiring, and at least in a smaller place, there will be hopefully less to do. And I will get a vege garden.

Studying. While the next 3-4 years will be pressured, I will be more financially secure and not need to rely on government or unreliable ex husbands to provide for our family. There will be more certainty of a regular income and i won’t have to keep asking the ex to ask for the things I can not afford. While it is the children who benefit, I would like to be in a position where *I* am providing some of these things.

Being a single parent. I gave everything and made sacrifices (willingly) for what I believed to be for the betterment of my family and husband. Now, I can do as I please and be a bit more selfish.  I have found through dating, I am unwillingly to give up things the way I used to, after all, why put so much energy into something you have no guarantee of lasting.  I have one less person to consider and that can sometimes be quite a relief.

 

 

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3 Comments »

  1. Darling Nikki – I get what you’re going through – in the past I’ve had to leave dreams behind too as they disintegrated around me but through it all I’ve got through it by believing in ME. Keep believing in yourself, no matter how hard things are right now, if you believe in you and have faith in YOU, you and your precious babes will get through – I hope this makes sense! Call me anytime – home number is 938 22 99, and my door will always be open (116 Akaroa Drive Maupuia) if you just need to ‘dump’ – I may be small but I have way wide shoulders, a huge heart an an open mind (sometimes it’s so open some would consider it vacant!!!). Sending you all lots of love, huggles and happiness xx

  2. Beet said

    now it’s the same room but everythings different….

    perhaps Nikki, just perhaps your dream will reappear at a different moment in a different place – one that’s sustainable by you and doesn’t rely on anyone else’s cooperation

    xoxox

  3. river said

    Most of us have had to leave dreams behind at some time, I know how you’re feeling. Still, it’s sad to think of you leaving Tir na NOg. Those gorgeous views…
    But you’ll be better off and that’s what’s important.

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