It’s coming

The day is coming.

In one week, I will no longer own Tir na NOg. I will no longer be a part of this piece of paradise that has brought so much magic to my life.

There is a part of me, the eternal hard core biartch who says “Harden the FECK up. You knew it was going to happen. So what? You still have the kids, you still have alot of wonderful wonderful blessings.”

I ask myself why I torment myself so much. The finality? Another change? Another goodbye?

Moving on will be a good thing, and in a month, I will be able to apply for a Dissolution of Marriage. It will be official. I haven’t sat here hoping he will change his mind and want to come back. I am stronger and healthier emotionally now.  Yet I still find myself chomping at the bit. This is it. No turning back.

The reality is, there was no turning back a long time ago. I came to terms with that. Yet I still grieve.

I present each new change in a postive light to the children, not wanting to dump my stuff on them, hoping like hell that they don’t see that I don’t believe what I am telling them.

My heart has been bruised, battered and wounded before, but THIS, this I realise has hardened my heart.

So I continue to look for the little things. Little moments of reprieve from the hurt, pain and grief I feel from being on a path that I didn’t want to take, a path I feel like I was forced into.

Little things like the fact my youngest loves our new house because there is a cat door and she can lock and unlock it and the cat will be able to walk in and out on his own. How cool is that?

Tonight, I was confronted (by myself of course) about something very important to me. Injecting something that is ‘us’ into the new place. Something that says ‘we are here.’ After living for so many years being who others wanted me to be, taking ownership of who I am and my surroundings, however crazy that might appear, has been a wonderful journey.

There will never be another Tir na NOg. This was the dream. This was where I knew my heart was and where I was meant to be. So where do you go when you can’t have it anymore? How do you dream new dreams? How can you hold on to hope when hope seems gone? Why work for something, only to have it taken from you?

Yes, it’s the little things. Meditating on some of what I have written here and more, I called upon the Universe for an answer. Ok, I posted something on Facebook. I want to state though, it was AFTER I spoke to the Universe.

As always, an answer came.

Mag Mell. Plain of joy.

A dear friend who has tolerated more shit from me than a lavatory suggested my new home be Mag Mell. I looked it up and it is up there with Tir na NOg.

We are moving from the Land of Forever Young to the Plain of Joy.

Sounds wonderfully magical.

 

 

 

Advertisements

3 Comments »

  1. Beet said

    You haven’t given me any shit at all.

    I love you Nikki and wish you every happiness in your new home, in your plain of joy. ❤

  2. Vicki said

    Just wanted to pop in and wish you all the very best Nikki. Sad you have to leave, but heres hoping this will also be a positive turning point in your life. May you find happiness and contentment in the not too distant future. where are you going to? 🙂

  3. My how I have MISSED you and over time when I tried to pop by your blog I couldn’t get in. Here I suppose I have slipped in some other way, or this is a different blog entirely.

    But am am so sad to read you will be moving soon. Not entirely unexpected… but sad still. I am glad for the time you were able to have in this lovely place to get your bearings a bit.

RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI

Talk to me !!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: