It’s Official

At 12.30pm, 13th April 2011, Tir na NOg became the sole property of Jock.

I had expected some jolt of pain when the lawyer rang me to let me know my money is waiting for me for my settlement date. Some kind of outburst. There was none.  I had shed tears when signing over the property. The finality of it, no going back, the end. I guess I am that place they call acceptance.

I have said goodbye to the neighbours. I hope my new neighbours will be as nice. I know one lady on the opposite side will be. She is my friend of 5 years.

Today, while packing, two of the children cried, one was inconsolable. He didn’t want to be touched. It is freakin’ awful to watch your child in pain and feel powerless to do anything about it. Especially a child who struggles to deal with emotions at the best of times. So I sat nearby and talked and answered all questions as honestly as I could. He doesn’t think God has been very helpful. He doesn’t think God cares about us. I asked him if he wanted God to force Father back home when Father doesn’t want to be here. I told him that I thought God had been quite helpful in sending us lovely friends to support and love us while we are hurting. I don’t know if he bought it.

I rang Jock and congratulated him on the purchase of a new home. And feeling generous, I set about making him a housewarming gift.

I took my wedding dress, put some of the material from it aside, and burned the rest. I took a tin can, (Thank God for the Tupperware can opener, that leaves the top as a lid with no sharp bits) and decorated it with the material from the dress. I filled it with some ashes and tied it with the ribbon that we used for the flowers. Black Watch Tartan. The same tartan he wore on his kilt.

I have also thought that women who do stuff like this to be nuts and in a really bad frame of mind to go to such lengths. Everything I did was done calmly. It was very carthartic, cleansing and symbolic for me, done out of ritual and a need for ceremony, not out of anger or bitterness or pain.

I am going to make myself one too. I think it will be a great talking point when visitors come around.

Hope Jock puts his somewhere special. 😛

 

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3 Comments »

  1. Wishing for a pic here…

    I just can NOT even wrap my head around how painful this is for you in all seriousness. I’m so sorry for the kids and for you.

  2. Devi said

    Good work. It’s so difficult to totally let go, as you have to let go of dreams that you have had for so long. Think about all the dreams and hopes that you had when you were choosing that dress and now you have set them free and are ready to start making new dreams, having new adventures.
    *big hugs*
    Best of luck with your new neighbours. 🙂

  3. Thank you ladies.

    There have been a few things, ceremonies, rituals that have been really healing and helped the letting go process.

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