Bringing my son home

It’s an odd thing.

When my son died, I was of the belief that he would be taken to ‘heaven’, that wonderful place of angels, saints and God. As I felt the emptiness and grief that comes with losing somone you so passionately want to stay, I found my idea of ‘heaven’ taking on a new shape. Heaven stopped being a place, far, far away and started becoming something different. My experiences with the ‘spiritual realm’ put an end to certain teachings that I had been taught. They no longer gelled with what I was living with and going through.

I started referring to heaven as ‘just beyond the veil’. The afterlife has become more of something that is around me that I can not see. It is something that is next to me, I can only see the physical, but there is the non-physical that impacts on me as well. It touches me. I realise there have been times of great awareness for me and times when I am oblivious to that world that I will one day join.

I have missed my son’s precense for so long. I remember the yearning I have felt for a number of years. I remember vividly the day I visited a piece of land that would later become Tir na NOg. Driving up to see it, I made it VERY clear to my then husband that we would play our cards close to our chest and not be bullied into buying the property. We would go home and think about it and get back to the guy.

It was a cold, wet and miserable day. When we got there, there was a mist and the ‘stunning view’ we had been promised could not be seen. I remember looking around at the seemingly bleak scene and felt my spirit soar. As my feet touched the ground, I remember a ‘KNOWING’ that  I was meant to be here. I remember the joy that came with that. I remember a shift within that I could not explain.

There was nothing spectacularly ‘pretty’ about the place that day, all I knew was that I BELONGED there.

Leaving the home I had lived in for 16 years was easy. We were going to a place where we could create new memories. I remember one day the thought popped into my head. There would be no memories of Finbar at this new place. It was in my home of 16 years that we brought his lifeless body home to, it was there that he slept in our bedroomfor 2 nights.

I remember the day I went to the new property talking to my God about this. As I looked around the property, looking at all the yellow gorse that seemed to be EVERYWHERE, I noticed a small open area that I hadn’t noticed before. In it, was some small wild purple flowers. Purple and yellow. The colour of the flowers I take to Finbar’s grave. In that moment, I would swear to this day that I heard my son say “Mum, I am here.” I had found my son or he had found me, I don’t know which and had come home.

Tir na NOg ~ the land of Forever Young was created.

Five years of memories where Finbar’s spirit has been truly alive. Five years where his name has been openly mentioned and laughed about. 5 years of ‘spiritual experiences’ and magic as Finbar has established his place in our family.

It was the one huge hurt I had about leaving. How would I bring that magic, those moments, that sense of his presence to Mag Mell? I would tell myself again and again that as I carry him with me in my heart and love, that of course he would be coming. It wasn’t Tir na NOg that held Finbar, it is us.

The time came to move and we did. The four of us. We packed up our belongings and the things that represented parts of our lives and moved. There was a shift within. I didn’t notice it at first.

At Mag Mell, the first things I ensured were unpacked were Finbar’s things. His pictures, his angels, his momentos. It was cold and empty. I tried to keep a smile on my dial as the children excitedly unpacked their gear and we all put things in their place. It was cold and empty. As much as I liked the new place, there was something missing.

I found my thoughts turning more and more to Finbar and I felt his loss and lack of his prescence painful. I would look at his photos and touch his angels trying to get the sense of peace I have always gotten from them, KNOWING he is with us.

Nothing. I was touching cold pieces of stone, glass on a frame. I bought out his album and his yellow box with his medical records and cards and shared them with his twin. Nothing. Just sadness.

I tried to reconcile what was going on within. As always, I talked to my God.  I was aware that possibly the stress of moving etc, Divorce Day approaching, Finbar’s twin soon to be 13 could all be adding to the sadness I was feeling.

I have been looking for a suitable place for Finbar’s memory garden. Given the layout of the place, nothing seemed to gel with me and I was considering doing something on the balcony. I mused over this. There is a real importance to me that I get it right for Finbar and honour him appropriately.

The children and I were sitting in the dining area a couple of days ago, when all of a sudden over half a dozen fantails swept past the kitchen window around the house and ALL landed at the spot on the balcony that I had been planning Finbar’s memory garden. They hovered around for about 5 minutes and in that 5 minutes, I sensed a shift. A shift in energy? A shift within? Something had changed. The kids and I took some of the things from Finbar’s garden and put them on the balcony. We then drove to the place that was Tir na NOg and got all of Finbar’s plants.

Strange thing, the weather was cold and bleak, much like the day I first saw it. I had come full circle.  As I jumped out of the ute, for the first time, I FELT the cold. It was lifeless and soulless and empty up there. I have never sensed that. I saw the place that has been so sacred to me with different eyes.  The thought came. “He’s not here.”  Followed by another. I remembered the fantails and the change their visit has left.

My son has come home. I don’t know if he got lost and the fantails brought him, I don’t know if he was waiting for the right time to come and the fantails were a sign, I don’t know if I just couldn’t see that he was here all along. All I know is my son has come home.

There are 5 of us living at Mag Mell ~ plain of joy.  You will only see 4, but there are 5.

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1 Comment »

  1. Vicki said

    Just lovely Nikki. Well put. I believe fantails are a sign from spirit.

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