On the home straight

In the last 2 years, there have been ‘little moments’.

Little moments of healing. Some bigger than others.

Each step forward has also brought the grief of this separation/divorce back to the surface. One thing I have noticed is that the grief has not been as intense each time.

Now we are on the home straight. As of last week, we are able to legally apply for ‘dissolution of marriage.’

I told Jock at the start of this, that since it was HIM who wanted out, HE could file, HE could pay for the divorce. I have repeatedly told him over the last 2 years, that the papers are to state how emotionally negligant he was, how deliberately emotionally cruel he was to me or I would not sign them.

I have been ‘stuck’ waiting for him to acknowledge the damage that was HIS responsibility.

I have resolutely stuck to the plan that HE would organise everything.

I guess I see any other way as him being let off the hook. He said at the beginning that he was happy to accept the consequences of his decision. I do not see him as having to deal with any consequences. He hasn’t been the one left feeling abandoned as his children have. He isn’t the one that has had children in his bed crying that Daddy has left. He isn’t the one that has had to give up on dreams and forced to make choices that he didn’t want to make. He isn’t the one choosing a path out of necessity, not desire. I guess there is a part of me that wants to see that HE has hurt even an inth of what we have. Then I am talking about someone who struggles to process his emotions sometimes. I am talking about someone who even when he is connected to himself emotionally, chooses not to express them and stick to facts. A fact I am constantly reminded of when I have tried to mediate between him and his kids and seen how he has avoided any mention of feeling.

I was talking to my girls, my rocks, my support and I was posed the question “In 10 years time, are you going to care who filed for divorce?” My reply was “Possibly, maybe not.”

It got me thinking.

I am waiting for the impossible. I am waiting for a man who barely took responsibility for his actions while we were married, twisting the situation so he could put the blame at my feet.

Changes to divorce laws mean there is one reason you can cite in order to file for a ‘Dissolution of Marriage.’ Irreconcilable Differences. We now have a no fault rule.

I am asking for the impossible.

So I have stopped fighting and surrendered.

I went to the Court House and got the papers necessary. I have filled them out and on Tuesday they will be filed.

28 days after that, I will no longer be married.

The final step in what has sometimes seemed a long process.

I feel like a horse on the home straight, with the finish line just in place.

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