Random thoughts late at night

It’s the eve of my son’s anniversary.

His twin had his birthday party a couple of weeks ago and there were dramas and meltdowns. Yet my son, being true to form, said how great it was and how each year, his birthdays just get better and better. I wish I could be as forgiving as he is.

I have gone into emotional lock down mode. I am tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being ‘open’ to people.

Lock down mode has its positives.

No one can come in. If you do not share something that is sacred to you, then they can’t dump all over it.

Something else I have found is that when you do lock down and are not all gushy, how quickly people will retreat.

I am not being a bitch or horrible, haven’t been nasty, just not shared the little things in my life that I would normally share.

On the day of my son’s birthday, he received messages on Facebook, which was lovely.

He received 2 phonecalls.

One from his father, when at around 1pm, I texted him and told the selfish self centred ass wipe that it would be a nice idea to CALL HIS SON as it is his birthday. That NO FAMILY had called.

When he did bother to pick up the phone and call, he explained how busy he had been and would have called earlier. Of course my accepting boy was fine with that. I am not.

Then Ass wipe’s mother called about half 4. After calling and having such regular contact, it ceased when her emotionally abusive son left. She had excuses for it of course. My son, soft soul that he is, accepted it and it is now the norm for him and his siblings that they don’t hear from her. Pfft.

Then we have *my* family. Mother and Father insisted from the beginning of the year that they HAD to be here for the 13th, the day our precious son became a teen. The lad that I neglected as a baby, which as a result made him Autistic. Yeah, that one. Yeah, it is still brought up. A wee drama on the day of their golden haired granson’s party had them leave a day early. And they didn’t call him on his birthday either. I don’t think he is their favourite anymore too.

I watch, I experience, I over analyse, I try to see what is *my* part in all of this, what am *I* responsible for, and I see that all my good intentions are for naught.

So tomorrow, the children and I have organised what *we* want to do for my son’s anniversary. The children tonight laughed and joked and talked about the fact he is dead. All natural. Death is natural. To some, it might seem a bit weird.

Someone asked me this week why I felt the need to still talk about him this far on. I asked him to pick a child he has, imagine that child dead and then imagine never talking about him.

My son is as alive to me now as he was 13 years ago.

I am and always will be the mother of twins. One being raised here on earth and one in heaven, whatever that is.

My son asked me, if his twin was still alive, who did I think would be the better looking. I laughed, they are identical twins. These are the jokes we make, the talks we have.

We laugh about him, we talk about him, we watch his dvd, he is included in random things.

I held a precious gift and had to give it back. I can not forget. I don’t want to forget.

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1 Comment »

  1. LOVELY post, lovely, and I know somewhat of that pain of being abandoned by family. My gracious, children are so accepting and forgiving. I remember just as you do.

    It’s a bad idea to let people in sometimes, especially if they’re crappy people. Your children here on earth and your son in heaven all deserve better AND SO DO YOU.

    I hope you have a bitter AND sweet anniversary and that you are stronger as a newly redesigned family this year.

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