Dear Finbar

My darling son,

Today I am missing you that little bit more. I had a bad sleep and dreamed some dark dreams and this morning the thought of you has my heart hurting.

I have thought of you at least once every day since the moment you were born. I love the memory of holding you, it always reminds me of soft candy floss.There is something so precious and sacred about holding a newborn baby, I always thought it was because you had just been sent from heaven and I was aware of the presence of God. With you though, it was more than that. I remember at 1am on Thursday, I was allowed to hold you for the first time. I had so much fear, I had only been allowed to touch your hand, I was allowed to do some of your cares, but I hadn’t been able to hold you and I was so afraid. As I cradled you in my arms, I remember looking at you and I realise now that it wasn’t the presence of God that I sensed, but I knew what love is. The pure, untainted love that a person can have. Perfect love casts out all fear. I wasn’t afraid anymore. All I knew is that I loved you.

I sang you 2 songs and to this day, I can not sing them or hear them without getting teary. They take me back to that moment of purity, that moment of connection. I will sing them to you again one day.

If you don’t mind son, I am going to meet you at the tree. Today, I am going to watch you draw. I can see you already. Today you are a teen. You love astronomy and the stars and the planets. I am going to sit and watch you and enjoy the moment.

I have been reading your medical notes and understanding more of your physical life. Each time I do, it is incredibly heartbreaking to realise the suffering you went through. I am so sorry that your brief time here was filled with so much pain.

It’s funny how we interpret situations. I can remember the dreams I had when I was pregnant with you and I always saw you with crutches. I named your twin with a name meaning ‘resolute protector’ as I always felt he would need to protect you. He did too. It is thanks to him really that both of you came out alive. To be told later that had the ‘mistakes’ not happened, you would be alive and well today, with mild cerebral palsy tells me that my dreams and my intuition was correct.

Which I guess leads me to tell you something I need to tell you.

I have told you how much I love you, I have told you how much I miss you. We talk about the things that you might be doing now and I imagine the boy you would be.

Son, I am sorry. I am sorry for not protecting you. I am sorry for not listening to my intuition and speaking up. I chose to listen to the doctors and trust their medical knowledge over what my gut was telling me. I am so sorry that I was not brave enough to stand up and say something. I am sorry that I was more concerned that people would think me an idiot for speaking up and disagreeing with people more intelligent than I.

Please forgive me for not being the mother you needed me to be.

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