The truth will set you free

I have spent the morning crying.

I have finished reading Finbar’s medical records, and have gained a deep, real understanding of what happened. I have sobbed and cried and shook like I have never before.

I know the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I don’t know what it is I was looking for. I don’t even know if I have found it.

The one thing that has really hit home to me, is all the miracles that I clung to, all the ‘achievements’ I would share that my son made, all that is a lie.  There were no miracles. The things I saw, were all a body’s normal reaction when it is slowly dying. I remember my doctor explaining to me that there was no PHYSICAL explanation for how my son lived as long as he did. Medically speaking, it was impossible. THERE is the miracle.

There is so much I didn’t understand. I wonder why the staff did this, that or the other. I understand now. They were reacting to the fact that my son was slowly dying and were doing all they could to make him comfortable.

Another thing I realise, there was never any hope. I had clung to hope, as we are taught there is always hope. No, that was a lie too. There was never any hope of my son surviving. Out of this dark tragedy there are other hopes, but the hope I had that he would come home and live with us? That was a lie.

Some of his notes have jogged my memory. I don’t remember certain parts, did I block them out or did I think they were unimportant? I don’t know, but I remember everything now.

I have sat here thinking and realising and one thing has not changed. What happened is not ok. I have accepted what has happened, but that doesn’t mean what happened is ok. It never will be.

I don’t feel bad or wrong for thinking this.

I know the truth sets you free, and in a way, I am pleased that I have the understanding that I have. However, right now, the impact of understanding what my son’s life was like, is incredibly painful.  Imagining him struggling for breath and slowly choking on a continual basis is a harsh reality.

I made the right parenting decision in signing a DNR. I am thankful that, while I didn’t fully understand what was happening, I understood enough to know it was the right thing to do.

As much I wish he was here, as much as my heart hurts and my arms ache, he is free.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

2 Comments »

  1. It’s NEVER going to be ok. No parent should have to see their precious baby go through that. I hope you trust yourself to know you did the best you could at all times. 😦

  2. Nikki said

    I do now. I don’t think I did before but I definately do now. xx

RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI

Talk to me !!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: